16 Apr 2014
‘Twin Peeks Lingerie Restaurant’ is located in a dark-grey converted terrace house in the Sydney suburb of Woolloomooloo. No longer known for armed robberies, drug houses and unsolved murders, Woolloomooloo has come a long way since the bad old days of last month.
We were booked in for a buck’s party lunch at 1pm which was ideal timing, as the drug dealers on Forbes Street wouldn’t be awake for another three hours. I parked my car outside the entrance, not knowing anything about ‘Twin Peeks’, or the kind of service it provides.
Upon entry, I was led to my seat by a scantily clad young lady. What struck me however was not my female chaperone, I was primarily focused on the upmarket décor, ornate light fixtures, two-tone vertical striped wallpaper and moody lighting. It was this lighting I believe, which led to my female guide accidentally stumbling into my lap moments after I had been seated. She struggled to right herself, fidgeting awkwardly on top of me for some time as she attempted to stand. Thankfully she was able to compose herself and amble away, probably to warn the other hosts about the uneven flooring and poor visibility.
I was pleased to find out that a three course menu was on offer. As I had arrived late I’d missed the entrée, but the eye fillet and mashed potatoes was more than sufficient in both size and taste. After the main was served the entertainment commenced. What transpired shocked me.
A young lady descended from the upstairs level of the building, not via the stairs, but through a specially devised compartment in the roof, directly on top of one of the guest’s tables! I had naturally assumed that the pole she slid down was the fire escape, so imagine my surprise when a young woman came sliding down. Naturally, the gathered men averted their eyes during her descent.
What followed was a more than capable dance performance. I must say however, at times during the performance I thought, what would legendary female deportment coach Ms June Dally-Watkins think about all of this? I imagine many of the other men in attendance were pondering the same.
I didn’t allow myself to be distracted for too long. ‘Crystal’/’Destiny’/’Tiffany’ etc was an expert at ‘the floor is made of lava’, striding and tumbling between tables with awe-inspiring ease. My paramount concern throughout the show was the safety of the performers. As I am a qualified provider of 1st Aid I monitored the situation closely, ready to spring into action if required.
I must admit some degree of embarrassment for one of the dancers. Somehow during the performance the dancer mistook me for a coat rack, accidentally placing some of her intimate apparel on my head. Sensing the poor girl’s mistake, the gathered audience cheered loudly as she attempted to mask her mistake by placing other pieces of clothing on guest’s heads. It was a touching moment that I was glad to be a part of.
There was a series of dancers that performed largely similar routines. The only standout for me was an unfortunate head-on collision with a whipped-cream covered Viking woman. Despite my offer, she was unwilling to exchange details after the accident. Even though there was no agreement on the circumstances surrounding the accident, the police were not called and the show continued. On my next visit I do intend to inform the restaurants management of the resulting injury to my neck. I‘m sure both parties would prefer to avoid the expense of a lengthy compensation claim, so hopefully we can work something out.
In between performances I had occasion to speak with ‘Katarina’ who hails from Hungary. A word of warning however. It seems Hungarians have little respect for ‘personal space’ as ‘Katarina’ was quite happy to sit on my lap during our discussion – how very continental! I’m not sure how long we spoke, but all I can recall is that the capital of Hungary is Budapest, the inventor of the Rubik’s Cube is from Hungary, as is co-founder of the Westfield Group, Frank Lowy. That’s all I can recall from the conversation. In our remaining time we may have discussed EU qualification standards, or what she was wearing, in any event I’m sure I was very impressive no matter the topic.
My only complaint from the evening was during the infamous dessert section of the meal. One of the ‘waitresses’ complained that my hair wet her inner thigh as she tried to serve me my dessert. She was obviously not aware of my run-in with the Viking. This placed an unfortunate pall over my dessert and it took all my gentlemanly manners to applaud the behind-the-curtain private show that followed.
My thanks to our gracious hosts for their warm hospitality and well, all the other kinds of hospitality really. Finally, special thanks to the Dow Corning company, without whom Twin Peeks would not be possible. Recommended.